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Ever have that favorite pair of jeans that hangs in your closet just because “one day you just know you will fit back into them”?

For me, this is that pair of jeans.

Mine actually weren’t in my closet. They were in a plastic storage box with all of my other size 7-9 pants that I can no longer get into because I have put on so much weight in the last 2.5 years since being married that even my fat pants – you know the “fat” ones to the farrrr right of the closet that you have to smoosh behind the closet door to fight with to pull out? In that forboden section that you don’t want to look at because it isn’t the “skinny” closet section or even the “normal” closet section, or the “fat” closet section… It is the “I-am-so-beyond-fat-that-I-can’t-even-believe-I-am-wearing-this-size” closet section?!?

Yeah, that dreaded section has become my new normal so today I decided to do something about it. I noticed that even making the decision to see the doctor today brought up some questions that I’m not sure I’m ready to face yet about me and this long-term battle with eating and why at this stage of my life I seem to be packing on the pounds…

Why – since I’ve been married – have I put on so much weight? Weight is always indicative for me of unhappiness – what am I unhappy about? What am I trying to shield/protect myself from? What am I afraid of? Why have I allowed myself to get to this weight? What am I going to do about it?

I started noticing the weight issues when I was getting winded during photo shoots. Then after the wedding I did, I couldn’t move for 2 days because I felt like I had run a marathon. Then all of my clothing bills skyrocketed because I continually had to replace the fat pants with fatter pants.

Today I weighed in at 146.6 pounds

That is almost 150 pounds! My BMC (Body Mass Composition) of 27.6%. Since my normal, healthy weight fluctuates between 110 and 117 pounds, to have put on almost 33 pounds in less than 3 years is staggering to me.

Yes things settle once you hit your forties, but 30 pounds in less than 3 years is not good.

So this is the one diversion from my focus on photography that I am taking on the bloggity this year.

I’ll be doing these weekly weigh ins a few times a month to talk about my successes and failures, my thoughts, and hopefully get to a much healthier place in my life, with food and eating, and with my body image.

If you are someone who also struggles with weight, body image, or food, I hope that this journey encourages you. Often the encouragement we need most doesn’t always come from those closest to us, so my prayer is that something that I share in these next few months will encourage you to believe that you too can take this journey.