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Solitude and I have long had a love – hate relationship.

When I don’t get time every day on my own, my skin starts to creep into my brain and scream for silence. When I have too much solitude, my brain-talk becomes so loud I can’t hear myself think.

I have greatly appreciated this new schedule because it has given me two days just.for.me. No expectations. No husband. No requirements to be much of anywhere… just time for me. Yet even now I am fighting the battle to justify or explain myself in my desire for solitude seemingly caving into society’s expectation that we shouldn’t need or want too much time alone, especially when we are married.

Maybe it is an only child thing… or maybe it is just the way I’m wired.

As I have journeyed into weight loss this year, I have realized that there is a difference between desired solitude and being alone.

When I am seeking solitude, though I am alone, I never feel alone. With this weight loss, it has been a battle for me where many times I am left feeling alone. On my own. Alone with myself.

Food and I have had a long-term battle going all the way back to 7th grade. We don’t interact, we fight. Sometimes it wins, sometimes I do. But it is a very unhealthy relationship.

Food is a necessity, but its a necessity I have used in my life to usurp control from others, including myself when I feel that life is out of control. Food has been a source of comfort while simultaneously being something that makes me extremely un-comfortable.

In my fight with food and weight, because it is all stemming from a deep seeded discomfort with “self” I’m realizing a pattern of abandoning “self” thus leading to feeling alone.

When I was chronically underweight because I wouldn’t eat… I abandoned my body’s needs for sustenance and nutrition choosing control over health. Since being married and gaining consistent weight over the last two years…. I abandoned my heart’s needs choosing food for comfort over working things through in my marriage.

Either way the scale has swung, the results of this strange battle leave me feeling alone. And alone is not the same thing as solitude…

So I committed to a weigh in each Monday.

I lost another two pounds this week, an inch off my thighs, .5 off of my waist and hips. My achiever is ridiculously pleased and both my coach and I were happy. We talked about the benefits of losing two pounds per week versus ten a week and I realized I completely misread her last week when I thought she wasn’t pleased with my progress. On the contrary, she is delighted that I am losing consistently and healthily.

So despite this strange interaction of feelings that arise because I’m no longer food-depriving or food-comforting… the weight loss has been gratifying, even when I feel alone.

I’m thinking about starting a Monday “Weigh In” linkup where we can create a community of weight-losers … encouraging others on their journey too. Not sure yet if I will do it, but I’m thinking about it… it is important not to feel alone with a journey like this.

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The pictures above & below are me, today – unedited {eek!}- at the encouragement of some very dear photographers who have inspired me with their own self-portraits (Alicia and Kelly as well as Jill Samter’s “I am Beautiful” project that I have literally run from for the last 18 months). Here’s to hoping I can also improve my self-concept over the next year too!