Photo Creative Commons by Villalonga
This season continues to be a season of foundation shaking.
I’ve started to climb out of the black hole punched into my existential foundation in early fall.
I’m now asking questions, researching, and refining my teleological bent. I am exploring areas of my heart, life, and story that I’ve kept hidden or buried for decades. It’s amazing when you begin to voice parts of your identity that have remained buried, how this very “speaking-into-being” can radically shake the known foundations you have lived upon for 44 years.
The faith part of my story has always been there. I am a huge supporter of what I believe the church can do to facilitate freedom in an individual’s life.
The part of my story that I have buried while navigating my faith environment is the fact that I am the child of gay parents. As this is a pivotal part of my story, I have a choice and a role that I can play in advocacy with the LGBT community.
What these two divergent stories look like pieced together is not something I have discovered yet. I’m still on the journey. The stories are currently rubbing together like two tectonic plates attempting to make space for each other. Where each will land, and which story (if either) will become primary, I’m not yet sure. I desperately want to separate them again like they were before — to keep the LGBT part of my story safely ensconced apart from the church so my story can’t (and I can’t) be hurt again.
But I believe in the heart of the church too much to go backwards.
What I do know, is that as I reveal this part of my story to those in my direct faith community, I have been met with support (rather than condemnation or answers), and my questioning has been welcomed. It is inherently frustrating for strategy-loving-me not to have answers for my “what if’s” – but simultaneously comforting to know those around me are willing to engage in the conversation even if there are no obvious solutions.
It’s uncomfortable to ask these questions that I have long buried. It’s uncomfortable to try and fit FAITH and LGBT Advocacy together in a sentence. It’s uncomfortable not to know what is next. It’s uncomfortable to think that I may make mistakes, or hurt feelings, or stir the waters as I ask difficult questions.
It is UNCOMFORTABLE to step out of the boat, then look back at those sitting in the boat realizing that I’ve made it rock as I’ve risked taking a step.
My discomfort makes me want to scream “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make the boat rock! I just needed to ask some questions.” I want to steady the boat again and forget that I just took a step out onto the water. I want to make the boat calm for everyone again so they know they are safe. I want to let those in the boat know that my questioning is never meant to hurt anyone, or cause them discomfort.
But the most uncomfortable thing of all is to think that I could live the rest of my life and bury this part of my story and not ever step into the fullness of who God has created me to be. Every time I bring more of who I am, more of my full story to the table and share it with others, I feel more free, and I feel more ME.
And at the end of the day, I have to believe that what God has said to me again and again is true…
<<Whatever happens daughter, I Am WITH you>>