Love (Jenny Rain’s suggestion)

I love love. It’s beautiful and redemptive, sometimes hard-nosed and tough, sweet and frolicky, can be longsuffering. God defines love as being something that is not rude or self-seeking, not easily angered, something that doesn’t delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. I tend to focus on the “love is patient and kind” part but forget the rest of the verse. The cupcakes above are from the 50th wedding anniversary celebration of two of my favorite people – my mentors. They are such a model of love to me and I am so grateful to have them in my life! Oh p.s. I love cupcakes too but they are not on my diet right now, arrgh.

Duplicated (Jenny Rain’s suggestion)

One pug two pug dressed up Lilypug and Abbypug!

Trend or Trending (Jenny Rain’s suggestion: you might go to Twitter to identify topics that are trending and take a photo that symbolizes that trend)

So Whitney Houston’s sad passing has definitely left a star-shaped hole in the musicverse, and it is only understandable that everything about her funeral today has been trending. Her meteoric rise to the top in past decades was eclipsed only as by the blaze of her star crashing and burning when she crossed paths with Bobby Brown. I had the opportunity to see her – pre-Bobby – in concert. Me and my friend Julie went – big hair, ray bans and miniskirts – and Whitney’s voice was even better live than on TV. She could saaang! Whit, you will be missed.

Paper (Honey Mommy’s suggestion)

Ok, so is it just me or does every single bridal shower play the game to create a wedding dress with toilet paper? Please people, if you are having a bridal or engagement or pre-wedding shower, do not subject your participants to this game. Public service announcement over. You’re welcome.

Plastic (Honey Mommy’s suggestion)

Shoes, plastic. Soccer ball, plastic innards. Turf, plastic content. Shirts and shorts, plastic fibers. Camera lens that took the picture, plastic parts. Ten years from now? All non-decomposable in landfills all over the world.

My OneWord for 2012 is Risk.

To me risk requires courage, courageousness, fearlessness in spite of opposition, taking a step even when I feel like I will lose your breath.

There are all kinds of areas in my life where RISK is staring me in the face, yet I question if it’s “the right time” or “the right action” or “what is most Christ-like” or “what brings the most redemption” or “what is the right response amidst opposition.”

Truthfully, I have lost my breath in and amidst circumstances and my lack of oxygen is crushing my voice and ability to act. 

Life has happened. Stuff has happened. Good stuff and not so good stuff. But the net result is that – Risk – although ever present and an answer in some cases – may not be the OneWord I need in every case. Yet sitting dully back and ignoring risk may be a peril to my soul, my voice, and my heartbeat.

When there are no emotions attached, I am carefree with my risk. You know that place where things are not close to the bone and where mistakes are a pebble on the highway towards learning so perfectionists like me can accept them more readily.

But some things cut deeper.

Some things have gone on longer and become a part of the landscape of my soul. They can not be so easily escaped with activity toward learning and they just have to be “sat in” for awhile until wisdom comes.

That’s where I am.

Losing my breath, having a stare-down with Risk, and feeling wisdom drip through my fingers like sand… yet knowing that this, yes even this, is part of the journey too.

Recently I installed  “Tweet Old Post” plugin that culls my old posts and every twelve hours tweets an old one.

It has generated some really fun dialogue on the bloggity and Monday I finally had some time to go back through recent comments on my old re-tweeted posts like this one, “If you met me…“

A comment by a dear friend, Brett – who is a educator and consultant to children with intellectual disabilities, just absolutely wrecked me…

Brett:  Submitted on 2012/02/11 at 1:15 pm

I had the joy of placing a digital camera in the hands of a boy who has autism about a year ago. His demeanor changed from one of shy, reserved, and solitary existence to classroom recorder. He took pictures of everything and everyone. I think the picture I (and perhaps his family) treasures most is the one he took of himself, though. The light in his eyes was never brighter. This child who found it rather uncomfortable to look others in the eye directly could take photos of others easily. It was as if he was seeing them and their expressions for the first time.

I’m not sure what it says about us that these things between us help sometimes, but I do see that, used with care, they can be great tools.

Wow!

The power of photography not only can bridge cultural barriers, which I have seen on many occasions, but I had never seen it as a tool used as Brett did above and it just slayed my heart at the potential of this thing called photography and how we can use it to serve others in a myriad of ways. Additionally, this comment helped me understand – perhaps – the attraction I have to the camera…

I have long struggled with social anxiety disorder.

What that means is that if I am in a setting with large groups of people, I literally shut down because of over-stimulation. Add to that, I am very noise sensitive, so when lots of people are in a crowded room having multiple conversations, I literally go glassy-eyed and the panic starts to set in.

Photography has helped me sift through the mental chaos because it gives me a purpose, a direction, something to do, and it enables me to bridge the distance between myself and the subject by giving me a reason to talk with them.

Photography has been magical and has enabled me to find my inner extrovert, just like the young child in the comment by Brett above, so I can totally relate.

I follow several moms who have special needs children and love seeing their victories, pray with them through their struggles, and thoroughly enjoy when they pick up their camera or instagram and document their days with their children.

Truly, these children (and their parents) are SO incredibly special to me.

Maybe because my church has opened a one-of-a-kind in the US respite-care center called Jill’s House for children with special needs to assist their families and frequently I get to take pictures there, or maybe it is because THESE children and THESE families are who we – as followers of Christ – are called to encourage, minister to, and love on as “the least of these.”

Maybe it is just because as a photographer, one of my core values is to use my gifts to give back into the community – and that heartbeat is so strong – it is literally a part of my business. Or maybe it is because often we marginalize these families and these children as “not being able to give back to the community” and that just breaks my heart.

These kids and their families ARE special!

I will close with a comment and story of one of the mama bloggers I follow.

Tammy (ParkerMama) has dealt with an unbelievable amount of trolling behavior on her blog as she has fought to get her son the treatment he needs. Yet through all of the blog heckling, her staunch belief in her son Parker’s abilities has been inspiring… and her comment below I believe encapsulates what Brett showed us above…

@ParkerMama Don’t look at Parker’s disabilities. Focus on his abilities. He has WAY more of those.

Where photography can be a vehicle to serve others in love, and SEE others for the very special people God has created them to be, may God help me to use it for good.

**Note: photo above blurred and edited to protect identity**

This year my One Word is Risk.

I have attempted to apply that to every area of my life and as a result I have launched a business, taken on new responsibilities at work thanks to the encouragement of my bosses, started and maintained a diet – and risked blogging about that diet, and of late have been picking up my camera to try and challenge myself into new techniques.

Each area has felt risky but been rewarding.

On my weigh in today, I lost 2 inches from my waist – squee! I lost .5 inches from my hips – double-squee! And I am down 3 more pounds to 139.2. That equals one thing —> *happy dance*!! My weight loss has been consistent, balanced, and my eating has been healthier. I started at 146.6 and I’m down to 139.2. And if I could do any kind of math, that number would probably make me ecstatic!

Surprisingly enough, my emotions have been much more balanced than I thought… a tribute I’m sure to my discipleship gals who are praying me through this time.

The only problem with my weight loss? I have less fat to keep me warm so now I’m freezing!

Photographically speaking, this week was my week to risk (or rather conquer!) “custom bokeh.”

Like last week’s self-portrait that took me eighteen months, I have been chasing after custom bokeh since Kent Weakley introduced me to the concept – oh – almost a year ago! People, this technique is H.A.R.D. hard!!

I wanted to take a picture that conveyed physical warmth – because that was our prompt this week for the Poetic Winter challenge – but also something that conveyed emotional warmth (i.e., love and hearts, in celebration of Valentine’s day).

Now run on over to Poetic winter with my peeps to see all the other amazing photos!

Facial Feature (Sacha’s suggestion)

Ok as if a selfie is not hard enough for me to do, this is a zoomed-in-selfie. Oh the difficulty! So I edited and lightened it to make it more palpable. Otherwise you would have gotten a picture of my ear. You’re welcome.

Shadow (Sacha’s suggestion)

I, as yet, cannot reveal the rest of this beautiful bridal portrait as we are still waiting on the wedding. But here is another sneak peek of her gorgeousness, or as Jasmine Star says “Gorg.” Love this girl and she was SOOOO fun to photograph! The only disadvantage to living up North is that weddings consist of the wedding photography only, whereas in the South, you get the fun of bridal portraits AND a wedding! Oh how I love my brides, they are all amazing!

Spicy (Kat’s suggestion)

A village in Ethiopia, 2010. I can.not.wait. to return this year! {pssst, more to come}

Gold (Kat’s suggestion)

Nature in its golden hues…alighted by the crisp winter water that keeps some lone leaves from crusting over. For some reason, this golden hue makes me think of our faith…  “And a faith proved of more worth than gold…” (1 Peter 1.7)

Fabric (Christian’s suggestion)

I loved the freedom that this fabric moved for this dancer that I captured on a warm day not too long ago. It danced with her… ebbing and flowing with her rhythm. Did I mention she was also dancing on stilts? yes, this too.

It all started at Starbucks.

A coffee here, a chat there. Eventually a card here, and then a call there.

She told him about her church, he came along. He talked about his ministry and dreams, her eyes sparkled. They started dating “during coat season” and on especially cold days, he would bring her a cup of coffee – from Starbucks of course – to work.

They had a date, then another in Old Town, and then another, and then another. They could talk for hours, giggle for days, and never let go of each others hands.

As they traveled together and learned about each other…there were kind gestures and loving gazes from him towards her and great admiration from her for who he was becoming in her life.

It was my great pleasure this weekend to photograph Ross & Laurie.

Not {yet} an engagement shoot, but we {me, myself, and I} have decided that we like the two of them together muchly as a couple and can’t wait to see what the future holds. It was such a privilege for me to shoot them, truly I felt like I was peeking in on a very fun date they were having.

It has been one of my most favorite Saturday afternoons in 2012 yet!

For more of the adorable, check out Jenny Rain Photography on Facebook and “Like” me to view Ross & Laurie’s album!

Solitude and I have long had a love – hate relationship.

When I don’t get time every day on my own, my skin starts to creep into my brain and scream for silence. When I have too much solitude, my brain-talk becomes so loud I can’t hear myself think.

I have greatly appreciated this new schedule because it has given me two days just.for.me. No expectations. No husband. No requirements to be much of anywhere… just time for me. Yet even now I am fighting the battle to justify or explain myself in my desire for solitude seemingly caving into society’s expectation that we shouldn’t need or want too much time alone, especially when we are married.

Maybe it is an only child thing… or maybe it is just the way I’m wired.

As I have journeyed into weight loss this year, I have realized that there is a difference between desired solitude and being alone.

When I am seeking solitude, though I am alone, I never feel alone. With this weight loss, it has been a battle for me where many times I am left feeling alone. On my own. Alone with myself.

Food and I have had a long-term battle going all the way back to 7th grade. We don’t interact, we fight. Sometimes it wins, sometimes I do. But it is a very unhealthy relationship.

Food is a necessity, but its a necessity I have used in my life to usurp control from others, including myself when I feel that life is out of control. Food has been a source of comfort while simultaneously being something that makes me extremely un-comfortable.

In my fight with food and weight, because it is all stemming from a deep seeded discomfort with “self” I’m realizing a pattern of abandoning “self” thus leading to feeling alone.

When I was chronically underweight because I wouldn’t eat… I abandoned my body’s needs for sustenance and nutrition choosing control over health. Since being married and gaining consistent weight over the last two years…. I abandoned my heart’s needs choosing food for comfort over working things through in my marriage.

Either way the scale has swung, the results of this strange battle leave me feeling alone. And alone is not the same thing as solitude…

So I committed to a weigh in each Monday.

I lost another two pounds this week, an inch off my thighs, .5 off of my waist and hips. My achiever is ridiculously pleased and both my coach and I were happy. We talked about the benefits of losing two pounds per week versus ten a week and I realized I completely misread her last week when I thought she wasn’t pleased with my progress. On the contrary, she is delighted that I am losing consistently and healthily.

So despite this strange interaction of feelings that arise because I’m no longer food-depriving or food-comforting… the weight loss has been gratifying, even when I feel alone.

I’m thinking about starting a Monday “Weigh In” linkup where we can create a community of weight-losers … encouraging others on their journey too. Not sure yet if I will do it, but I’m thinking about it… it is important not to feel alone with a journey like this.

***

The pictures above & below are me, today – unedited {eek!}- at the encouragement of some very dear photographers who have inspired me with their own self-portraits (Alicia and Kelly as well as Jill Samter’s “I am Beautiful” project that I have literally run from for the last 18 months). Here’s to hoping I can also improve my self-concept over the next year too!

It is called “Poetic Winter” and some of my favorite togs are running it: Alicia, Kristi, Faith, and Rebecca… if you haven’t heard of it already, come back tomorrow to see my Monday weigh-in post where I also feature Poetic Winter!

Ok, but on to my favorite Sunday challenge… So this winter has been a bit slim pickins for photo challenges because I’m not able to pick up my camera outside of weddings and families, but I’m having a blast moving into this next phase of Jenny Rain Photography so the temporary (and ridiculously fun) sacrifice has really been worth it!

Strike a Pose

Loved watching these dancers at a recent festival. They were fantastic! There was a stage set up center court and this entire swing troupe danced all afternoon. I loved it!

Footwear

Not sure if this is footwear or a whole bunch of body-wear, but whatever Pinky the cow is sporting, she is absolutely ROCKIN it!

Hobby

*Swoon* See all of those Nikon lenses on the right side of the screen? iLikey.

Shiny

I love this macro of a bell that once rang out at a lighthouse to warn incoming sailors of danger. When the lights couldn’t be seen through the fog, and the technology didn’t exist yet for a fog-horn, this lighthouse used to use bells to warn sailors. It has stood the test of time, and weather, but is no longer a shiny paragon as it once was.

Color Me Green

In the middle of nowhere I spied out this row of perfectly planted green trees. With a fence. On a pile of green grass that was perfectly manicured. Did I mention it was in the middle of nowhere?

Sometimes you take a photo and there is an instant connection with your heart.

Kat Sloma has started a new challenge to celebrate those photos that we take that make an instant heart connection. They may not be the most glamorous, or follow all the rules… they may not be a great composition, or win any prizes, but to US they mean something. I love that, so I decided to play along.

Chelsea at the Papermama also does a “favorite photo” of the month. Typically those photos are the ones that touch my heart, even if I can’t explain why… so I love and am challenged by the juxtaposition of the two challenges.

Since I’ve been focusing more on building my wedding and bridal business, as well as enjoying various family shoots, I haven’t had much extra time to go on “just for me” shoots… so it is moments like the one above that are captured that keep me encouraged and knowing I’m on the right track.

This photo was from the Pittman family photo shoot and it still causes me to catch my breath every time I see it because I had NO idea there was a cross in the picture until I got home and started processing. It brought Mama Pittman to tears, and still grabs my heart every time I see it.

I’m so very grateful for the things I get to do as a photographer and my continual prayer is that I am a blessing to others.  And it is moments like this one that I am reminded that God is even in my passion for photography and that humbles me.

One of the things that has gotten me through a lot of life is a good sense of humor.

I bring that to my photography by actually encouraging families to act goofy and then creating an outtakes file with some hilarious pictures in it.

This picture was from a recent family shoot. The kids faces were communicating to me “lady, seriously, we are at about 487 pictures and I am only a kid, are you really going to keep taking more?” So I asked them to just “be themselves” and this is what I got!

***

Humor has also played into my diet…

Since starting the diet last week, I have tried to bring my sense of humor to the table. Ba dum bum. Get it? That was a joke… humor to the TABLE… instead of FOOD… because I’m on a diet.

Oksomuchforthatmovingonnow.

Last week, as you remember, I was at a whopping 146.6 pounds w/27% body fat.

For someone who is normally around 117, that was shocking to me. If I didn’t practice using my sense of humor, I would have cried all the way home. For the entire week since my doctor’s visit I have been working hard to cut back on the wrong foods, eat the right ones, drink lots and lots… and LOTS of water so I can stay the course and move toward health. The second full day of the diet I thought I was going to DIE with a T at the end. I emailed my friend and said:

I think this diet is killing me! I’m not going to make it!

It was the day my body was learning to live on healthy veggies and proteins instead of sugars. Radical, I know.

So 3:00 pm rolls around and I go to my doctor’s appointment today.

I could tell my diet coach was super excited to see the IMMENSE weight-loss I had procured over the past week. So as she readied the scale and she checked my progress on my food log…

Which – sidenote – I ROCKED my diet log to the SAUCE this week. People, it had CHECK boxes for everything like how much water I drank to my vitamins, to proteins.  To this achiever, that diet log was the perfect jumpstart for me!

So as she was oooing and ahhhing over how well I did my first week and congratulating me on staying the course I stepped on the scale… The angels descended from heaven and the weight stabilized and registered and then the scale that would determine my weekly destiny dinged out:  144.6

My diet coach’s face fell and she said “Oh! 2 pounds. That is um, awesome!”

Riiight. But I stayed in the moment because honestly, I am thrilled for the 2 pounds. I’m thrilled that it isn’t 7 pounds or 10 pounds because really, is that sustainable? Is it healthy? I was kind of praying for either (1) a weight stabilization (since all I’m really doing is changing the KIND of food I’m eating every day), or (2) only a slight (1 – 2 pound) weight loss because I am SO suspect of all of those diets where you lose 10 pounds the first week, it all ends up being water-weight, and then you gain in back 6 months later. PLUS, I lost an inch off my waist.

For me, 2 pounds and an inch off my waist is a substantial victory.

My diet coach sent me on my way with a parting “We will see a much more profound loss next week! Here’s to losing!”

I giggled all the way home!